At first, I felt the need to share my new title with anyone I met in a way that might be pretty close to the way personal introductions are done in a support group setting; "Hi, my name is Carrie, and I'm a stay-at-home mom." Can you visualize it with me? There I was trying not to make eye contact with my head held down. I certainly didn't say it boldly or with a sense of contentment. I was ashamed of the fact that I had given up some things to be a full-time mama.
It's one year since I felt God tugging at me to set aside my job as a public school teacher so that I might pursue someone else's children; my own. Actually, the tugging started two years ago, but, of course, it took me a while to be still enough to really feel it. It's been a year now since I heard God calling me to obedience. What had been a major (and I do mean major) issue of pride was now also an issue of obedience. Let's start with the pride thing first. You see, in my mind, I'd made my own neat little list of "Nevers." From an early age, my mama had warned me never to write that list, but I did. It went a little something like this:
NEVERS
#1 -- I will never marry someone without dating them for an entire year. (Meet Brantley, my husband of almost six years.)
#2 -- I will never, ever be a stay-at-home-mom. (Keep reading this blog.)
#3 -- I will never be in direct sales (Are you familiar with Blessings Unlimited?)
#4 -- I will never drive a minivan. (I went from a red Mustang to a gray Equinox... might as well have been a minivan.)
#5 -- I will never even think about driving a minivan. (They sure do have lots of extra room, and they ride so smooothly.)
#6 -- I will never homeschool my children. (I'm currently reading a book about homeschooling. It will probably be a blog topic later.)
I was, and still am, an achiever. I thrive off of accolade. I didn't study hard in high school for nothing, and I certainly didn't go through four years of college focusing on my nearly 4.0 GPA for nothing. I had chased my dream of becoming a teacher, and I was going to be a fine one. And, for a season, God allowed me to do that. That was before children and still for a short period as a mother with my first child. After all that I had accomplished, I wasn't NEVER going to become one of those girls who didn't work, who sat at home, who spent her husband's hard earned money, and who joined a group of other women and their children for playdates. I was going to be useful. I was going to contribute to my family's income. I was going to make our dreams come true. I was going to live my life. I was going to be a good mother, too. There was a disconnect there, and the ends weren't meeting due to my pride. I was going to do what I felt was the right thing to do.
But then, He really started to tug. I had just landed my dream job as an agriculture teacher here in the town where we live in a small rural school. Not to mention that we were just a couple of months away from welcoming our second son into the world. I did my best to ignore His tugging from the beginning. The ignorance made me miserable. I rationalized. I justified. I cried. I prayed. I ran. I cried more. He pursued. There on a path in the woods on a hot August afternoon, I finally surrendered to Him. I couldn't run anymore. (That's definitely a figurative "run" since I was so swollen and hormonal at the time that literal "running" was not even an option.) I realized I had two choices: obedience or disobedience. I could answer my true calling as a mother, or I could turn away and chase after other "good" things.
Please, please, if you're a mother who works outside of the home, do not consider this my way of saying your choice is wrong. That's the fartherest thing from the truth. This is simply my testimony of one of the most humbling experiences of my life. This is how God has broken me and is building me back, piece by piece. I now see both sides of the story, but I am using completely new eyes.
Honestly, it's been a struggle over the past year in several ways. There isn't really a day that goes by that Satan doesn't try to tempt me back into pride and disobedience. I feel vulnerable. Some days I feel like He wins. That is until I remember this verse from the gospel of John: "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." God truly wants me to experience life more abundantly through Him. I can only do this when I set aside my pride and come to Him in obedience. Being at home full time with my sons is exactly what He wants me to do through this season of my life. Satan tugs, but God's the big kid at the back of the line who tugs even harder for those who call Him Lord and Savior. He's going to win me over.
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